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Honesty…

For the most part, I am a very honest person.  I expect honesty from other people and so I extend that same courtesy to others.  Don’t get me wrong, I will dance around a touchy subject to save feelings and pride as much as the next person.  At the same time though, I will try to convey my honest feelings in instances where it is needed.  I harbor no delusions that my friends and family are on constant stand by waiting for my input.

As I strive to be as honest as possible with the people around me, I tend to be less than honest with myself.  I want to be more honest with myself, writing it down here I think will help me to stay honest.  If I really want to achieve change then I have to be honest, right?

I like this quote that is attributed to Albert Einstein, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  

It’s so very true.  Every year I say I am going to take better care of myself and then every year something comes up and I end up in the same cycle of bad habits.   This year I am holding my ground.  I honestly feel that there is nothing more important than my health this year.   I’ve put it off too long and it happens now.  There’s no I’ll start tomorrow, or I’ll skip today and pick up again or any of those excuses.    It’s today, it’s now, it’s on…

 
Phase 1:  Day 2…
 

I wasn’t able to walk due to time issues, instead I did a step workout that burned a comparable number of calories.

My lower body workout went well, 2 sets of 15 reps.

Water = 56 ounces

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Starting…

Scary start

I just read this quote and realized how perfect it is for today.  Starting something new can be pretty scary, there’s the fear of the unknown and all of that.

For me, I find that I am hindered by expectations.  It’s fairly normal for someone to have expectations regarding the outcome of a project or plan.  For most people it’s a question of finishing the project or the general quality of the results.  Apparently, I am not like most people.  I find myself creating imaginary scenarios, which makes more outcomes that I have to plan for.

There are a few things that I struggle with starting and sticking to, losing weight and writing.  It wouldn’t be so bad if all I was concerned about was failure.   It goes deeper than that though.

In regards to losing weight, I worry about failure.  I don’t want to fail and possibly gain even more weight.  When I am trying to lose weight I usually don’t tell anyone.  It’s embarrassing, that I need to lose weight, and then I stress about how people will react if I don’t succeed.  I have that poisonous voice in my head that whispers evil things in my ear.  So, I am thinking about all of the things that people would be saying behind my back, how they aren’t surprised that I failed, that I shouldn’t have tried in the first place, that I will always be a ‘big girl’, that either way it really doesn’t matter.  I’ve actually had someone tell me the ‘big girl’ one, I will never forget that one.

As bad as failure is, I worry about succeeding too.  It’s a lot of pressure.  I am not particularly vain and yet, I can’t help but think of how I will look after I lose the weight.  What if I lose weight and I am still not happy with how I look?  The evil voice likes to tell me that it won’t matter, I will be unattractive either way.*  I can hear the “other” people whispering about how it’s so sad that I did all of that work and it really didn’t matter.

OMG, I think I just learned something while writing this.  I am apparently really afraid that I don’t matter.  Wow…

*I am so very lucky that I have Sully.  He tells me that I am beautiful, cute, amazing and other great compliments on a daily basis.  It helps a lot with tuning out the evil voice.

Phase 1

Day 1…
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My goal for Phase 1 is to walk everyday and do my weight/strength exercises six days a week.  I’ve already gotten a jump on these this week so, I am excited to continue on and see some great results.

Boo and I walked during halftime of the later football game.  A brisk ten minute walk, 0.60 miles.  I know we will get faster and cover more distance as we continue to walk everyday.

Today is Sunday, I don’t have strength exercises scheduled today but I am going to do an extended stretching session.

*I am so very lucky that I have Sully.  He tells me that I am beautiful, cute, amazing and other great compliments on a daily basis.  It helps a lot with tuning out the evil voice.


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Plan 2013…

So, I’ve given up on resolutions for me, but I have a plan. Famous last words, right?  I’d rather have a plan for change than a few resolutions that are forgotten by February 1st.

new-year-resolution

For 2013, I am going to continue the good habits I started at the end of 2012, and add a few new ones too. Last year, I realized that I need to take care of me, so that I can be there for everyone else.

So, here’s a basic sketch of my plan…

– Health and fitness (eat better and exercise daily)
– Writing (Rewrites for NaNo ’09, finish other WIP)
– House projects (laundry redo, build bookshelves, etc.)
– Yard projects (fix sprinklers, grass in back yard, etc.)
– Fun stuff (bellydancing and craft projects)

I am feeling good about this year. Good times ahead!

Happy New Year!

 

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Bye, bye…

I will be happy when 2012 is over, it was tough year all around.  It started off rough with Papa’s medical issues, worsened as his struggle became too much and he went into hospice.   In June, one of our dogs passed, followed by my 2o year old cat in October, and my sweet Labrador, Hunter the next month.   In the same week that we lost Hunter my sister’s husband had a stroke and has been hospitalized since.  

There have been good times in between, a trip to San Diego, a few trips to Disneyland, movies, birthdays, hanging out with friends, chatting on Facebook…  I am thankful for these moments and will never forget how they got me through the year.

Today, I am thinking about 2012, the good parts and the bad parts.  I’ve decided that I will keep what I have learned but I am letting go of the stress, guilt, depression, sadness, anger and regret and letting it fly away.

Bye 2012

I am looking forward to a fresh start.  I have a good feeling about 2013.  🙂

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Going back to the beginning…sort of…

One of the many things that I plan on doing this year is rewriting one of my NaNo projects.  I have done NaNo three times along with Camp NaNo this past summer.  I have gotten my 50K words every time and twice I have gone back and finished the book enough to get the proof copy.

This year, I want to go back to the first book (which is actually the second book I wrote) and do my editing and rewrites.  During NaNo you just write to get your word count which can sometimes leave ginormous holes all over the place.  I want to take that next step and fill in those holes, I want to fix the story.  I was happy to have an ending to the story after my first NaNo but now I need to fix it.

My original plan was for me to start my rewriting on January 1st and just plow through it.  Of course, I am in the midst of transferring my story from one writing program to another.  I am also trying to flesh out a bit more of the plotlines in my notes.  I really want to see some character development as the story progresses.  

The new plan entails me writing or working on my writing every day.  So far, I have done pretty well.  I’ve gotten most of my plotline notes done.  I am hoping that next week I will actually work on the rewriting part.