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Environment of fear…

Tuesdays are one of the few days that Sully has to go in to the office for work.  Right before 10:00 I got a text from Sully letting me know that he was going in to a last minute team meeting.  He didn’t think it was a going to be a good meeting.  There have been rumors for a couple of weeks about layoffs.   Of course, we’ve dealt with this for more than ten years, every year between September and December there are talks of layoffs.  It’s three months of worry and I am guessing a lot of sleepless nights.  I don’t know if their plan is to create this climate of fear but regardless that is the result.

Sully has been stressed, super stressed.  I, on the other hand, haven’t been worried.  I mean, I worry about Sully and his stress level but I seem to have a psychic sense for some of this stuff.  Honestly, his job security has not popped up on my radar, at all.  I keep telling Sully to be calm and that we will figure it out no matter what happens but it’s little comfort.  I understand his concern but I hate to see him worry about stuff that it out of our control.

The meeting was one of those good news/bad news situations.  The bad news was that a lot of people were getting laid off and the good news, Sully wasn’t one of them.  Even so, it was an upsetting day for him.  He said there was a huge stack of empty boxes in the center of the building for people to pack.  I can’t imagine how tragic and sad that must have been.

I was so glad to see Sully when he got home and gave him a huge hug.  I am over all of the stress, I just want Sully to be calm and worry free.

0

Remember…

I remember where I was on that Tuesday in September 2001…

I was nearly eight months pregnant with Boo, my mom called to tell me what was going on. She’d been watching CNN after the first tower was hit and saw the second plane. I watched footage all day and probably for weeks afterward. I couldn’t help but think what kind of world I was bringing a baby into. So many years later it is clear that, although our world is changed forever by what happened that day, we continue to be strong, resilient and united. We will always remember this day and the lives that were lost…

 

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Under the weather…

Today I felt kind of punky, that’s my term for feeling physically and emotionally sick, blah or plain just not right.*  I had great plans to get a lot done and I ended up laying around all day.  I honestly don’t know if it was allergies or the humid weather but I was just not feeling it.  

Living in Arizona one of the things you hear the most about our weather is ‘at least it’s a dry heat.’  It’s a ridiculous statement because anything over 110 degrees is pretty intense and we go through half of June and most of July with those temperatures.  On top of that the relative humidity can be about 50%  in July.  Extremely high temperatures plus moderate humidity is not fun.  We’ve  had several Extreme Heat Advisories already this summer.  It can be a bit brutal so the whole ‘dry heat’ thing can be annoying.

*It sure didn’t help that our little Rose passed this morning.  We weren’t super close to her, she wasn’t very friendly but I will miss seeing her climbing around the tubes of her hamster condo.

Day 10

 1.  Water –  3 – 24 oz. tumblers

2.  Shimmy –  Episode 10 (3 step turn, hip bounce, maya hips, and Egyptian figure-eight)

3.  Writing  –  Research

4.  Exercises Abs and arms/Stretching*

5.  Project –  Garage (2 x 15 minutes)

0

Facing the Fear…

Today, I was discussing writing in an email and I wrote this…

I think I am subconsciously telling myself that if I don’t try, then I won’t fail.  Of course the flip side is the whole, if you don’t try, you won’t succeed thing too but my subconscious isn’t listening to any of that.  I told my husband that I am scared to death that I am going to find out that my writing blows.  After all of this work and wanting to do this since I was a kid that thought is terrifying.  So, it’s easier to let it sit.    

All of it is true, and that’s why I am talking about it.  I am so terrified that my writing sucks goats that I would rather not write at all.  Everyday I think about writing.  Everyday I tell myself to write.  Everyday I get mad because I didn’t write the day before.  Everyday.  

If I haven’t been writing then I have weird dreams that make no sense.  After a bit I realize it’s not even me in the dream, they’re characters in a story that I should be writing.  My subconscious brain is giving me a push, and I need to listen.

Earlier this week, author Kevin Hearne posted the following on Facebook.  

Kevin Hearne
Tuesday
Wahoo! Got 2K words finished today and it feels good to get back into the groove. I am currently at the stage where I love my story. Later I’ll be convinced it’s utter rubbish because that’s the nature of a writer’s neurosis, but right now life is good and I’m gonna play with the doggies a bit.
It’s clear that my fear is a common issue for writers, it’s also clear that some of us must be working through it.  After all books are being written, edited and published all the time.
I talked to Sully earlier this year telling him about my fears.  Right away he told me that I was not a bad writer.  My first reaction was that he loves me and of course he is going to say that.  As we talked though, I started to say positive things. 
— Ok, so maybe this story is awful but I can figure out what’s wrong and fix it.  Then when I write the next story it will be a little better.  Just like anything else the more that you do something the better you will be.   I can hear my dad’s voice in my head at this point.  ‘You’re making this harder than it needs to be.  Don’t think about it just sit down and write.’   He’s right, overthinking it won’t help. I need to write what comes to me and deal with any issues in editing and rewrites.  
Warning: Sports analogy – you aren’t going to the Super Bowl, World Series, NBA championships or the Olympics after your first game or match.  You have to step onto the field, court or arena over and over again.  Why should it be any different for me?
Now I need to work on getting the logical voice to silence the neurotic one long enough to get something done. Practice makes perfect, right?  Or at least better than when you started.

June+1My June +1 for today is using free weights to do arm exercises.  I am hoping to do them Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.

1

Following your dreams…

Author Bob Mayer tweeted that quote today.  I looked around online for the original source but I was unable to verify the true author.  The quote kind of struck a chord with me today.  Not because I have anyone discouraging my dreams though, it’s quite the opposite in fact.  Sully is so supportive that he is ready and willing to live off of me once I become a famous author.  Friends and family are lining up to read what I have written.

I think I am the weak one in this example.  It’s not easy to admit but it seems like I discourage myself daily.  I have a writing project that already has a word count over 110K .  I am supposed to be editing it.  I read the first chapter and didn’t like it.  Honestly, I sent a text to Sully that said, ‘I just read the first chapter and it blows.’ Sully replied with a lot of nice stuff and basically said he didn’t think it could be that bad.  He was right the end of the chapter was pretty good but that beginning part had to go.

This project was written during National Novel Writing Month, also referred to as NaNoWriMo, which I have shortened to NaNo.  The combination of the newness of the story and the time constraint of NaNo, I think, is at least partially to blame for the first chapter blowing.  I am procrastinating about editing and I am not sure why.  It’s a little overwhelming, and not just because it’s over 110K.  I know that stuff needs to be cut, added and rewritten, I have an entire notebook of notes.  Of course, I know part of the problem is that I am just afraid that the whole thing sucks.

I think I am going to leave this here and address that last part on another day.