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Starting…

Scary start

I just read this quote and realized how perfect it is for today.  Starting something new can be pretty scary, there’s the fear of the unknown and all of that.

For me, I find that I am hindered by expectations.  It’s fairly normal for someone to have expectations regarding the outcome of a project or plan.  For most people it’s a question of finishing the project or the general quality of the results.  Apparently, I am not like most people.  I find myself creating imaginary scenarios, which makes more outcomes that I have to plan for.

There are a few things that I struggle with starting and sticking to, losing weight and writing.  It wouldn’t be so bad if all I was concerned about was failure.   It goes deeper than that though.

In regards to losing weight, I worry about failure.  I don’t want to fail and possibly gain even more weight.  When I am trying to lose weight I usually don’t tell anyone.  It’s embarrassing, that I need to lose weight, and then I stress about how people will react if I don’t succeed.  I have that poisonous voice in my head that whispers evil things in my ear.  So, I am thinking about all of the things that people would be saying behind my back, how they aren’t surprised that I failed, that I shouldn’t have tried in the first place, that I will always be a ‘big girl’, that either way it really doesn’t matter.  I’ve actually had someone tell me the ‘big girl’ one, I will never forget that one.

As bad as failure is, I worry about succeeding too.  It’s a lot of pressure.  I am not particularly vain and yet, I can’t help but think of how I will look after I lose the weight.  What if I lose weight and I am still not happy with how I look?  The evil voice likes to tell me that it won’t matter, I will be unattractive either way.*  I can hear the “other” people whispering about how it’s so sad that I did all of that work and it really didn’t matter.

OMG, I think I just learned something while writing this.  I am apparently really afraid that I don’t matter.  Wow…

*I am so very lucky that I have Sully.  He tells me that I am beautiful, cute, amazing and other great compliments on a daily basis.  It helps a lot with tuning out the evil voice.

Phase 1

Day 1…
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My goal for Phase 1 is to walk everyday and do my weight/strength exercises six days a week.  I’ve already gotten a jump on these this week so, I am excited to continue on and see some great results.

Boo and I walked during halftime of the later football game.  A brisk ten minute walk, 0.60 miles.  I know we will get faster and cover more distance as we continue to walk everyday.

Today is Sunday, I don’t have strength exercises scheduled today but I am going to do an extended stretching session.

*I am so very lucky that I have Sully.  He tells me that I am beautiful, cute, amazing and other great compliments on a daily basis.  It helps a lot with tuning out the evil voice.


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Bye, bye…

I will be happy when 2012 is over, it was tough year all around.  It started off rough with Papa’s medical issues, worsened as his struggle became too much and he went into hospice.   In June, one of our dogs passed, followed by my 2o year old cat in October, and my sweet Labrador, Hunter the next month.   In the same week that we lost Hunter my sister’s husband had a stroke and has been hospitalized since.  

There have been good times in between, a trip to San Diego, a few trips to Disneyland, movies, birthdays, hanging out with friends, chatting on Facebook…  I am thankful for these moments and will never forget how they got me through the year.

Today, I am thinking about 2012, the good parts and the bad parts.  I’ve decided that I will keep what I have learned but I am letting go of the stress, guilt, depression, sadness, anger and regret and letting it fly away.

Bye 2012

I am looking forward to a fresh start.  I have a good feeling about 2013.  🙂

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Not so much…

Today started out well and then declined into a fairly frustrating day.

The morning went well, we had a nice breakfast at a quiet restaurant not too far from home and then did some quick shopping.  I wore my hiking boots and that seemed to be a good choice for my ankle.  Of course, they are a bit heavier than my normal shoes and I was feeling a little tired when we got home.  Nothing was really going on so I sat down and put my foot up.  I had barely sat down when there was an issue that I needed to weigh in on.  No big deal, I got up and we figured it out.  I sat back down and put my foot back up.  Then the dog threw up and then something else happened, at that point I abandoned the idea of putting my foot up.

I moved on to straightening my desk, then I got a phone call, I put it on speaker and kept sorting paperwork.  For the most part that was fine but I had a stack of stuff I needed to shred and couldn’t very well do it while talking on the phone.  I don’t blame the person that called but it was bad timing and I could’ve let the call go to voicemail.  It was just one of those things that didn’t really work for me at the time and combined with the other interruptions I was frustrated and irritable.  

There were periods of peace and quiet that I am thankful for but they were definitely banked by times of interruption.  I know I should be more Zen about it but I think I would need more sleep and possibly some medication for that.

Today, I am thankful for peaceful moments.  And the Mythbusters, we watched a few episodes today.  I’d seen them all before but it was a good thing to watch amid the interruptions. 

 

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Nothing going on…

My short rant for the week…

I am a stay at home mom, in charge of teaching homeschool, housekeeping, pet caretaking, landscaping, and pretty much everything else that goes on here.  Yet time and time again, people who very well know how much I do here but act like I just sit around watching TV.  No one has ever said anything straight out but there is definitely the air of ‘you don’t have a job so your schedule isn’t important.’  

It makes me crazy.  I offer to help and then I have to work around their schedule.  No one even asks me what will work for me.  Half the time I show up at the time they tell me and then I have to wait around for them.  I spend so much time standing around thinking of all of the stuff that I need to do at home.  It’s so rude and disrespectful.  It seriously makes me want to scream.  

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One snake at a time…

Ok, it was one of those days.  I had a terribly frustrating morning which pretty much solidified my thought that I will never shop at Barnes and Noble again.  Anyhow, my morning was awful but my afternoon and evening were pretty good.  In fact, Boo and I had a somewhat giggly half hour before we ate dinner.  Sully had a rough day too, we all were looking forward to a relaxing night.  We ate dinner watched some TV and then things kind of went downhill from there, emotionally at least.

It wasn’t a horrid night but an unexpected phone call later and one more thing to deal with.  Alone it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but added to the pile it feels like a lot.  Every time I feel like I’ve gotten a handle on things, or caught up on something or even a little step ahead of the game, I get dragged back ten steps.  I could handle the usual “two steps forward and one step back” but this is just hard to deal with.  At least I was gaining a step in the usual scenario.

I saw this quote tonight and it was so fitting. 

Terry Pratchett:
“Don’t think of it as a big bucket of snakes. Think of it as one snake at a time.”
 

It reminded me that I need think differently.  Look at things separately or at least broken down.  One snake at a time…works for me.

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No rest for the wicked…

It’s weird, I have had days that were worse and of course, days that have been better.  Tonight, I just feel worn out.

It could be some of my late night’s over the weekend coming back to haunt me.  One of those nights I was up until 4:00 in the morning because one of the old dogs wasn’t sure what it wanted to do.    The other nights though, I was up until 1:00 or 2:00, watching movies or reading.  Not writing though, which is said, but not part of what I am talking about tonight.  It was a holiday weekend and we wanted to have a nice weekend to catch up on movies and TV shows that we missed last year.

I am sure that most of it is a result of the late night over the weekend compounded by several short nights since then.  It doesn’t make it better knowing that but there you go.

Under the tired though is growing frustration, which is most likely fueled by the lack of sleep.  Regardless, I am frustrated and overwhelmed, and it sucks.  There’s so much to do and most of the time I just feel like I have no idea where to start.  There’s a ton of little things I could do but I’ve gotten to the point where I even struggle on which of those things I should I do first.  My house is a mess.  It’s not so far gone that if we got a call that someone was coming over in an hour that we couldn’t get it mostly presentable for our surprise guests.  That sort of cleaning though would essentially be what Faith refers to as ‘rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic’.  I just keep moving things from surface to surface not really finding a permanent place for anything.  It’s about to drive me batty.

The last three weeks have been mostly about getting Boo’s school stuff straightened out and being prepared for class.  Our third week is almost over and we seem to be falling into a pretty good routine.  This week I have been able to work on the crafty plans for the couch cushions while we watch TV.  It’s good that I am getting that part done but it’s not getting my house any cleaner.  

Well, in a way it would help because the new foam cushions are taking up space in the hallway.  Of course there are 52 other things in the hallway that need to be dealt with but who’s counting, right?  The problem with the hall is that I am in the middle of organizing stuff in the hobby/craft room.  It’s gotten to the point that the work I’ve done in there now involves two other rooms.  I am not ready to rip up another room (or two) so we have the stuff in limbo, hanging in the hallway.  

Ok, so here’s my plan…

Go to bed and get some sleep.  Then tomorrow I will try to tackle some small things and not worry about the other stuff.

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Lazy Monday…

Today was a good day, which was a bit surprising given the night I had.  One of our old dogs barked on and off all night.  I put him out, let him back in, crated him, let him into the house none of it seemed to help.  Well, letting him into the house seemed to help, but I didn’t get to sleep until 4:00 am.   I was very thankful that I was able to sleep in until nearly 9:30.  Sully and I laid around in bed until 10:30 or so.  We had a great brunch around 11:30, leftovers from brunch with Gramma on Saturday morning.  

We spent the day watching movies and I worked on measurements for the couch cushions.  I needed to add everything up so I can figure out how much fabric I will need.  I had my graph paper workbook, a pencil, pencil sharpener and a ruler to work it all out.  I decided to use the bottom cushions  we are using now as the new back cushions.  The pillows we have now along the back are super squishy.  I can use those pillows at the sides where the end tables are and in the corner.  So, all in all, I figured out I needed ten yards of fabric.  

Joann’s had denim on sale for 50% off and the sale ended today.  Boo and I stopped at Joann’s on the way home from Boo’s dance class.  I found some great black denim that was 60 inches wide.  The only problem is that the bolt only held 8 yards.  I had to find a second bolt and hope that there was at least ten yards between the two bolts.  The first bolt had 7 yards and 30 inches, I got the 30 inches for 50% off the sale price.  Yay!  The second bolt had three yards and 13 inches, with the 13 inches also 50% off the sale price.    

I’ve got my cushion fabric plus a little extra to cover the squishy pillows.  I also saw that they had colored denim so I might go back and grab some of that if I need it for the squishy pillows.  I have a few more things to figure out before I start sewing but I am glad I have gotten this far.  

It was a lazy day but I actually got something done.  Yay me!