Navigating time…

“The Victim curses the wind.
The Survivor waits for it to change.
The Navigator adjusts the sails.”

Be the navigator of your life.

I saw this saying last week and thought ‘yes!’  Immediately followed by thoughts of how the last few months have gone.  Last few months?  The last few years, would be more appropriate.  The last year we’ve definitely been in survivor mode, no control over the sails, the navigator position was already being filled.  We all know what I am talking about and I don’t really want to go there.  

Late March, early April, we were the victims for maybe a week.  And unsurprisingly, it sucked.  We cursed the wind and anything else that we could think of, but privately.  On the outside, we were patient, comforting and me, personally, I was funny.  I made people laugh when all they wanted to do was cry.  I couldn’t stand the tension, and I literally couldn’t stop myself from trying to help with humor.  Luckily, those who know me understood, everyone else I am guessing just thought I was loopy from the stress.   In between jokes though, I was cursing the wind.

It’s been almost two months and I’m the navigator now.  Only problem is that the boat is in terrible shape, the sails are in tatters, belowdecks is a mess and we are sailing in circles.  We’ve been so busy waiting, cursing and waiting that we are stuck drifting in the water.  (I am enjoying this metaphor so I am going to keep going.)  Even now, as we’ve gotten some repairs done, we’re just not ready to go anywhere.  We’re tired and sad, and some days it’s just too much.  

On those days I can’t help but get discouraged, another day goes by that seemingly puts us behind.  Over the last year, it feels like we’ve been away more than we’ve been home.  I am sure if I examined the exact hours I would find that we’ve been home a lot more than it feels like but even then some days it was just too much.  So, now I am trying to get back on track with the day to day as well as catch up on stuff that should have been done months ago.  Some days are good, others…not so much.  I’ve gotten my desk almost completely reorganized but it’s a constant struggle to keep it in it’s neat state.  I try not to let it overwhelm me but it’s difficult, if I can’t keep my desk straightened for more than a day, how am I supposed to get the entire house (boat?) ship shape?

At this point, I am adjusting the sails but just enough so that I don’t run us aground.  Now don’t get me wrong, this has to do with the day to day operations of the boat.  Sully, Boo and I are hanging in there.  We have good days and even had a really nice four day weekend.  We are moving forward and we will continue to do so, even though it’s all still there just out of view.  We have our moments when things hit one of us and the others rally, hugs and tears all around.   

Life goes on, whether we are ready or not.  I can deal with that, now.  I am just not ready to navigate in deep waters.  Hopefully, I can spend the summer repairing the sails and getting belowdecks in order.  It’d be nice to adjust the sails and head for smoother water.